Ah, Springtime. That magical time of year when everyone has been trapped inside for the past three months and finally take the first steps of opening up the house, getting that fresh air wafting through, only to realize the amount of stagnation and filth that has been allowed to linger over the winter. Maybe this is why thousands of us are inspired to perform an annual purge colloquially known as “Spring Cleaning”.
This phenomenon had cast its shadow upon our household several years ago. After going from room to room systematically eliminating the collection of waste, we arrived upon the kitchen. It was my duty to tackle the fridge. While inspecting the various bottles of expired salad dressing and way past their prime leftovers in the freezer, I discovered a large pickle jar all the way in the back of the fridge with one solitary pickle in it. It was the industrial size pickle jar that you get from Sam’s Club. I turned to my wife.
“Hey, what do you want me to do with this pickle?” I said.
“I dunno. Flush it for all I care.” said my wife.
So to the bathroom I went with the ginormous pickle jar I went and poured the contents into the porcelain throne. FLUSH!!! Down went the pickle. “Problem solved!” I thought to myself. Or so I thought……
About two days later, we were both sitting at home when I heard my wife yelling from the bathroom……
“GET IN HERE!!!! QUICK!!! DO SOMETHING!!!”
On to my feet I scrambled and ran to the bathroom only to find that the toilet was in a very rapid fashion, completely backing up…..all…..over…..the floor. I quickly grabbed the plunger in a desperate attempt to force the sewage back in the other direction. I spent the better part of an hour working with that plunger to try and persuade the onslaught to cease. My attempts were in vain. I was beginning to feel the need to call in a young priest and an old priest to begin shouting “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU” over and over again. I finally gave up and decided to amend my tactics.
I took a quick trip down to the hardware store and picked up a 50 ft drain snake. Down into the depths of the bowl I plunged my hands down into the murky waters as I fed the snake down into the pipes in the hopes of discovering the offending blockage. After about 20 feet in, I couldn’t feed anymore. I also couldn’t get the snake to turn when I cranked it. It was stuck. My first inclination was that a tree root had busted through the pipe and I now had the end of the snake wedged into it. This particular model of snake had a bit on the top to connect a power drill to. I knew for sure that if anything was going to break through, it would be that. To the toolbox I go to return with the drill. I cranked the power up all the way and pulled the trigger as far as it would go. The toilet bowl gave a low shudder as the snake fought against the plug. After about 5 minutes of drilling, advancing, drilling, advancing, I felt something give way.
“HONEY! I THINK I GOT IT!”
My wife arrived in the bathroom a few moments later. She gave me a horrified look of disgust at the sight of me covered in sweat and sewage. It was around that moment that something began to appear on the surface of the water. We both peered closely into the bowl. It was at that moment we both realized what it was. My face turned from a look of worry to shame knowing the fault of my ways. My wife’s face turned from dismay to anger.
“You FLUSHED the PICKLE!?!?!?!?!” she exclaimed.
“Uh…..yeah?? You told me to…..” I squeaked out in a timid voice.
“I was being SARCASTIC!!!”
Needless to say I had found the errors of my ways. After getting the toilet into proper working order again, I proceeded to scrub the bathroom from top to bottom, then proceeded to do the same with myself. I guess you could say that my common sense went down the toilet. And that’s how I got into a pickle with a pickle.